Running for Self Preservation

Remember the last time you took an airplane flight?  After you get settled in, as the doors close and the plane starts to taxi away the flight attendants start doing their safety dance, which (although ignored by most travelers) contains some pretty important information.  "Here's the emergency exit, your seat cushion can be used as a life raft, and in case of emergency please put on your own mask before assisting others." 

Not too many people listen to this speech, but maybe we really should.  It's that last phrase that I've thought a lot about lately.  "Put on your own mask before assisting others." What does that mean for parents?  I don't think it means that you take care of all your own needs before you pay attention to your child.  I do think it means that, before you can be a good, solid, loving parent you have to take care of your most basic needs.  In an airplane that means you have to have oxygen flowing to your brain before you can help anyone else (since if you don't you'll be passed out on the floor!) In my parenting journey, it means I need to go running.

Today Aaron and I went for our third run in two weeks.  I also got a longer run in this weekend while Jonathan took care of Aaron (because no matter how much fun it is to take him in the stroller, it is also nice to have some "me time" without a baby to worry about).  Before Aaron was born I was a pretty regular runner.  3-4 times per week, several miles at a time.  I've run one full marathon, four half marathons, and a bunch of other shorter distance races.  But during my pregnancy I kind of fell off the wagon, and then after Aaron was born there never seemed to be enough time.  But lately I've been watching other runners on the sidewalks, and feeling very sad and a bit jealous when I saw them pounding the pavement.  I said something to my mom about it and she gave me good advice..."Sarah, there will never be enough time," she said.  "If is important to you, you have to just do it."  

She's right.  There is never enough time for all that needs to be done. My bathrooms need scrubbing, the bookshelves are dusty, and I still haven't finished the thank-you notes from Aaron's baptism.  But today I ran for 20 minutes (2 minute run, 1 minute walk, repeat 7 times) and even though I didn't get much sleep last night I feel like I am ready to take on the world.  Running keeps me grounded.  When I run I feel better physically, emotionally, and I have a more positive outlook on life in general.  Running reminds me to take care of and respect my body.  I eat better when I am running regularly, and I sleep better and deeper. 

Now that I am on my way back to a regular running schedule, I have remembered that running really is my oxygen mask.  I don't need to feel guilty about taking those 30 minutes to do this for myself, because in taking care of my basic needs I'll be better able to interact with, teach, raise, and love my child and those around me.  In taking care of myself, I can better take care of others.

What is your "oxygen mask?"

Dancing in the night

This weekend Aaron and I participated in the Great Cloth Diaper Change at Birth Baby and Beyond in Cedar Rapids.  It was exciting to be part of an event that involved people from all over the world.  Our little corner of 29 moms, 1 dad, and 30 babies/toddlers were a part of something much bigger.  And Aaron will get to be in the Guinness Book of World Records!!

Yesterday Aaron had a really great day with Grandma, but he seems to be making me pay for it today.  We woke up at 7:00, had some food and some play time, but when he got tired around 8:30 the napping battle began.  Rock, bounce, pat, change diaper, attempt nursing, change diaper again, rock, dance, bounce some more.  9:30 came and he finally succumbed and fell asleep, only to wake up again 10 minutes later and start the process over.  By 10:30 I decided to abandon the morning nap, so here we are...Aaron resting in the swing and me typing a blog post.

I am the parent of a fussy, high needs baby who I love dearly.  However, the first 10 weeks or so of his life were a very difficult time period.  During those 10 weeks he lived in my arms, at my breast, or in the Moby wrap.  He cried voraciously, slept very little, and never seemed to be satisfied.  I cherished smiles and happy times because they were so few.  Trips to the doctor yielded no answers besides a diagnosis of "colic."

This was NOT how I had envisioned my maternity leave.  I admit I had expectations of a calm, sleepy newborn who would lay contently in his bassinet and gaze lovingly at me and his mobiles.  I had a list of projects I would complete...everything from re-organizing the cabinets to teaching myself to knit. Very quickly I realized that this would not be my experience, as day after day found me cuddled onto the couch, often in the same clothes I had slept in, trying once again to calm a crying baby who didn't seem to appreciate any of my efforts.  Some days I merely survived until 2:30, when Jonathan would be home from work and could take over, allowing me a shower, a nap, or a walk outside.

Things are better now.  Ever since I cut dairy and soy out of my diet we have seen a marked change in Aaron's temperament.  Sure, he is still a needy guy who likes to be held and cuddled and wants to be where the action is.  Sure, he still doesn't sleep very long at night.  Sure, we still have fussy days (like today).  But the marathon 4-hour crying sessions have ceased and usually his fussing is in response to an actual problem (wet diaper, hungry, tired) that can generally be fixed once we figure out what it is.  But things are definitely better.

In honor of National Child Abuse Prevention Month I feel compelled to write down a story that reminds me that even the most loving parent can hit a breaking point.  I think Aaron was about 9 weeks old the night I hit mine.  He had been up most of the night, and I hadn't gotten more than 30 minutes of sleep at any stretch.  I was tired.  I hadn't slept, I was tired of the crying, my body was tired of bouncing, an my arms felt like the would fall off.  I knew that I should wake up Jonathan and have him take over, but I had this view that I should be able to handle it and besides, Jonathan had to go to work in the morning.  If I were a "good wife" and a "good mother" I should be able to handle this, right?

At some point after 3 am I had spent all my energy.  We had rocked in the chair for over an hour and every time I slowed the motion he started to scream once again.  I stood up and started to dance around the nursery but the crying didn't stop.  All I wanted him to do was stop crying and go to sleep.  I started scolding him, telling him he needed to SETTLE DOWN.  I started to bounce a little harder, and I felt my arms and body start to tense.  I held him up to my face and told him to BE QUIET!  He didn't stop.  I got more tense, I started to cry too.  Finally I looked down at my sobbing boy and realized I had nothing left to give him. I went busting into our bedroom, shoved him into his father's arms and cried "You have to take him because I'm afraid I will hurt him."  Then I stormed downstairs and had a bit if a panic attack and a good long cry.

I'm not proud of that night.  I should have asked for help sooner.  I was tired, frustrated, and feeling inadequate as a parent.  It was a dangerous situation for me and for Aaron. Luckily I had a supportive husband to turn to, or things could have turned out horribly differently.

I share this story because I think it is so important for new parents to know that your baby does not hate you because he is crying, and you are not a bad parent if you are having trouble handling it.  Even a good parent can get to a breaking point where they don't know which way is up and they need a break.  I'm so grateful that I had someone else to turn to and also that people had told me that it is okay to put your baby down and let them cry.  Regardless of your parenting philosophy or your beliefs regarding "Cry-it-out" methods, no baby ever died from crying, while too many have died or been permanently injured by a parent or caregiver at their wits end who in a moment of weakness gives just one shake "just to make him stop crying."

I don't know if anyone is reading this besides me, and maybe my mom, but if so I hope you will take away that it is ALWAYS okay to put the baby down in a safe place, walk away, shut the nursery door, and take a few minutes to collect yourself and calm your mind.  You are NOT a bad parent if you need to walk away from a crying baby.  In fact, you may be being the best parent of all if you are protecting your child from harm.

My happy boy

He is Risen! He is Risen indeed! (Now Aaron please go back to sleep...)

Aaron had his first Easter this weekend, and we had a great trip up to Minnesota to visit Grandma and Grandpa Bengtson and Great Grandma Bengtson.  We were pretty nervous about how Aaron would do on a 400 mile car ride, but all in all it went pretty well. 

 

We got to Little Falls pretty late on Friday night/Saturday morning, so Saturday we had a pretty low key day playing with toys showing off our new skills.

 

 Sunday morning sunrise service came pretty early!  Look at those zoned out eyes.  I was happy that his baptism outfit still fit, since I think he has grown at least an inch in the last two days!!

 Aaron's first Easter basket!!  The bunny was pretty good to him.

 Posing with Grandma and Grandpa Bengtson.

 All weekend Aaron decided that naps should be taken in arms.  Grandma's arms, mom's arms, dad's arms, Great-grandma's arms...

 Drooly boy... :)

Dancing with Grandpa.

In other news, Aaron's intestinal discomfort seems to be improving with my change in diet. It has been a pretty radical change for me.  I've cut not only milk and cheese products out of my diet but all foods that have milk, casein, or whey on the label (try looking at the products in your pantry sometime, you'd been surprised at how many contain milk). I've also attempted to cut out soy and soybean oil, although that is pretty hard to avoid entirely.  So far we've seen more happy time, less gas, no more blood in his stool, and less refluxy sounding burps. All good things.  The one thing we haven't seen more of is consecutive hours of nighttime sleep.  He's still up about ever two hours, sometimes more, which means either Jon or I are up as well.  And since I'm the feeding machine at the moment it is usually me.  

I had hoped that by the time I went back to work Aaron would be sleeping larger stretches at night, but I have discovered that as long as I make naps and sleep a priority on my days off I can function pretty darn well on only a few hours at a time.  Sure, I'm tired during the day and I'm maybe not as sharp as I otherwise would be, but people seem to understand, especially those who have had a child.

Speaking of going back to work, I'm conflicted as to how I feel about this change in our schedules.  I love my job as a pediatric PT, and I've missed my kids while I've been gone.  A big part of my identity comes from my professional life.  But I love being home with Aaron.  I love our lazy mornings, playing on the floor, nursing whenever he wants to, and singing him to sleep for naps.  I miss that when I am gone.  I do count myself so lucky on many fronts when it comes to work, however.  I have the flexibility to go part time and be home more than I am away.  My employer is very supportive of breastfeeding, so finding time to pump has not been an issue (although getting my body to respond to a pump away from home has been tough...), and most of all I am grateful that I am able to leave him in the care of my mom for these first few months.  It makes it easier to leave him knowing that he has one-on-one attention while I am away.  Although his colic is getting better, he still can be a challenging little boy to care for, and I don't think he would do so well in a group with many infants being cared for by several staff, however wonderful those staff may be.  Hopefully by the time he goes to daycare this summer (the center we like doesn't have a spot for him until June) he will be a little older, a little more settled, and I won't worry so much about leaving him with people other than family and close friends. 

Child of God...

Aaron was baptized a few weeks ago at our church in Iowa City.  We were a little afraid he might be fussy fussy baby through the service, but our pastor assured us that no one would mind, least of all God. :)

Aaron is the first child that Pastor Connie has baptized in our church.  She was just installed a few weeks ago, so that makes us feel kind of special.

She didn't minced on the water either!  Good thing Aaron likes having his head washed in the bath cause he got good and baptized!!!

 

After the sacrament was performed, Aaron even let Pastor Connie introduce him to the congregation.  Welcome Child of God!

 

 

Great Grandma's being proud

Aaron with his sponsors Becky and Chris.  Sad that Amy and Peter (also sponsors) couldn't join us but it would have been a pretty far journey from Salt Lake City.

Bengtson family

Root family

Oh what a beautiful morning...

I have always been a morning person, but since Aaron has been born mornings have become even more my favorite part of the day.  You see, mornings are when we get the most consistent "happy" time and there is nothing that can make my heart jump more than rolling over (yes, we occasionally co-sleep, don't judge), stroking his little face, undoing his swaddle sack and seeing his beautiful smile.  Not a little gassy smile that says "I just tooted," or "I just peed myself," but a full out, eyes included, just for you mommy kind of smile.  Sometimes I even get a giggle.  Some mornings we will play and talk and sing songs for a good half hour before we even get out of bed!

These are the moments I live for some days.  Parenting Aaron can be challenging at times.  He is what Dr. Sears would call a "high needs baby."  (Click here for his article on the subject, which has been especially helpful to me.)  He has figured out early on that it is better for him to be held than to be put down.  He protests quickly and loudly when he has a need that has not been met.  And he craves physical touch. But although there are evenings when we pace the floor for hours, and nights when I am up every hour to feed, or rock, or just comfort him, I am becoming more confident that the attention we pay to him now will help him through whatever is going on in his brain and body and ultimately help him turn into a toddler, a teenager, and a man with the confidence to tackle whatever trouble he runs into and the knowledge that his parents will always support him. 

I think this blog might turn into a journal of sorts, and maybe a bit of a catharsis for me in times of stress.  But less anyone reading this thinks that I am not enjoying our new adventure, here are 10 things I love about Aaron:

1. His smile.
2. The way he smells after bath.
3. His coos, which are louder for Jonathan and I than for anyone else.
4. His soft hair.
5. The way he looks at me as I rock him to sleep.
6. The way (sometimes) he stops crying and smiles when I hit on the solution to his problem.
7. His need to be cuddled.
8. The way he snuggles down in the Moby wrap or ring sling when he is relaxed.
9. He makes a great running partner.
10. His little snores when he is sleeping.

And so, when people ask me if Aaron is a "good baby" I think I can confidently answer "yes."  No, he is not an EASY baby, but easy and good are not the same things, and with any luck the personality traits that make him a little more challenging now will serve him well as he grows.  Until then, we just keep dancing.

Colic and the cow

Before I became a parent I knew a lot about parenting. After all, I work in child development and regularly instruct parents as to how to help their children reach their developmental milestones, learn social skills, and generally blossom to their full potentials. However, in the last few months I have learned that my knowledge and skills mean exactly....nothing.

Aaron is 11 weeks old now, and for those of you who are around locally you know that since he was about 4 weeks old we have been dealing with excessive fussiness and colicky behavior. I love my son more than I can say, but his crying can be intense and is often very frustrating. If you have ever seen the DVD "The Period of Purple Crying" you will understand the level of crying I am talking about. I have been frustrated, I have been depressed, and I have cried many tears. Jonathan is sometimes better than I am at soothing the crying, and I am thankful to have him with me as a part of this parenting team. After doing a lot of research and talking with our pediatrician, we have made the decision for me go dairy free to see if that dietary change will lessen what we think is intestinal discomfort and pain, as well as some silent reflux. Since many kids with dairy sensitivities also have soy allergies, I am also limiting my intake of soy. So far I've tried Almond Milk and rice cheese. Not too bad tasting alternatives I must say.

And two became three...

Welcome to our family blog. We've started this space to be able to easily share photos and videos with family and friends who are spread across the country and even the wider world. Life with a newborn can be crazy, so I can't promise how often updates will come but we will do our best!

Aaron William Bengtson came into the world on Sunday, January 8, 2012 at St. Luke's Hospital at 1:32 AM. Labor began at home at about 4:00 AM on Saturday January 7th and progressed slowly but steadily all day. We were glad to be able to stay at home through the majority of the early labor stage and passed the time watching Star Wars movies, reading, and resting. Around 7:00 PM that evening contractions had been coming less than 5 minutes apart for over an hour so we decided to head to the hospital. Once we got there they checked me out and decided to have me walk the halls for an hour or so, since I was not very far dilated and they wanted to see if labor would stop or progress before admitting me. By 9:00 it was apparent (to me at least!) that things were not going to slow or stop so into a hospital gown I went and we got checked into the hospital room. Things continued to progress slowly but surely and without complication. We really lucked out in that the doctor on call and my labor and deliver nurse were very supportive of our wishes to avoid unnecessary medical interventions and to let labor and delivery progress as naturally as possible. By 1:00 AM on Sunday the doctor decided that it would be best to break my water since I was nearly fully dilated and it hadn't broken yet. After that things went fast and furious and Aaron was born without medication or need for interventions after about 4 hours of active labor and 30 minutes of pushing at 1:32 AM. It was an exhausting, exhilarating, amazing, difficult, and emotional experience bringing him into the world, for me, for Jon, and for my sister Gretchen who was there with us through the whole thing as an additional support person.