Dancing in the night

This weekend Aaron and I participated in the Great Cloth Diaper Change at Birth Baby and Beyond in Cedar Rapids.  It was exciting to be part of an event that involved people from all over the world.  Our little corner of 29 moms, 1 dad, and 30 babies/toddlers were a part of something much bigger.  And Aaron will get to be in the Guinness Book of World Records!!

Yesterday Aaron had a really great day with Grandma, but he seems to be making me pay for it today.  We woke up at 7:00, had some food and some play time, but when he got tired around 8:30 the napping battle began.  Rock, bounce, pat, change diaper, attempt nursing, change diaper again, rock, dance, bounce some more.  9:30 came and he finally succumbed and fell asleep, only to wake up again 10 minutes later and start the process over.  By 10:30 I decided to abandon the morning nap, so here we are...Aaron resting in the swing and me typing a blog post.

I am the parent of a fussy, high needs baby who I love dearly.  However, the first 10 weeks or so of his life were a very difficult time period.  During those 10 weeks he lived in my arms, at my breast, or in the Moby wrap.  He cried voraciously, slept very little, and never seemed to be satisfied.  I cherished smiles and happy times because they were so few.  Trips to the doctor yielded no answers besides a diagnosis of "colic."

This was NOT how I had envisioned my maternity leave.  I admit I had expectations of a calm, sleepy newborn who would lay contently in his bassinet and gaze lovingly at me and his mobiles.  I had a list of projects I would complete...everything from re-organizing the cabinets to teaching myself to knit. Very quickly I realized that this would not be my experience, as day after day found me cuddled onto the couch, often in the same clothes I had slept in, trying once again to calm a crying baby who didn't seem to appreciate any of my efforts.  Some days I merely survived until 2:30, when Jonathan would be home from work and could take over, allowing me a shower, a nap, or a walk outside.

Things are better now.  Ever since I cut dairy and soy out of my diet we have seen a marked change in Aaron's temperament.  Sure, he is still a needy guy who likes to be held and cuddled and wants to be where the action is.  Sure, he still doesn't sleep very long at night.  Sure, we still have fussy days (like today).  But the marathon 4-hour crying sessions have ceased and usually his fussing is in response to an actual problem (wet diaper, hungry, tired) that can generally be fixed once we figure out what it is.  But things are definitely better.

In honor of National Child Abuse Prevention Month I feel compelled to write down a story that reminds me that even the most loving parent can hit a breaking point.  I think Aaron was about 9 weeks old the night I hit mine.  He had been up most of the night, and I hadn't gotten more than 30 minutes of sleep at any stretch.  I was tired.  I hadn't slept, I was tired of the crying, my body was tired of bouncing, an my arms felt like the would fall off.  I knew that I should wake up Jonathan and have him take over, but I had this view that I should be able to handle it and besides, Jonathan had to go to work in the morning.  If I were a "good wife" and a "good mother" I should be able to handle this, right?

At some point after 3 am I had spent all my energy.  We had rocked in the chair for over an hour and every time I slowed the motion he started to scream once again.  I stood up and started to dance around the nursery but the crying didn't stop.  All I wanted him to do was stop crying and go to sleep.  I started scolding him, telling him he needed to SETTLE DOWN.  I started to bounce a little harder, and I felt my arms and body start to tense.  I held him up to my face and told him to BE QUIET!  He didn't stop.  I got more tense, I started to cry too.  Finally I looked down at my sobbing boy and realized I had nothing left to give him. I went busting into our bedroom, shoved him into his father's arms and cried "You have to take him because I'm afraid I will hurt him."  Then I stormed downstairs and had a bit if a panic attack and a good long cry.

I'm not proud of that night.  I should have asked for help sooner.  I was tired, frustrated, and feeling inadequate as a parent.  It was a dangerous situation for me and for Aaron. Luckily I had a supportive husband to turn to, or things could have turned out horribly differently.

I share this story because I think it is so important for new parents to know that your baby does not hate you because he is crying, and you are not a bad parent if you are having trouble handling it.  Even a good parent can get to a breaking point where they don't know which way is up and they need a break.  I'm so grateful that I had someone else to turn to and also that people had told me that it is okay to put your baby down and let them cry.  Regardless of your parenting philosophy or your beliefs regarding "Cry-it-out" methods, no baby ever died from crying, while too many have died or been permanently injured by a parent or caregiver at their wits end who in a moment of weakness gives just one shake "just to make him stop crying."

I don't know if anyone is reading this besides me, and maybe my mom, but if so I hope you will take away that it is ALWAYS okay to put the baby down in a safe place, walk away, shut the nursery door, and take a few minutes to collect yourself and calm your mind.  You are NOT a bad parent if you need to walk away from a crying baby.  In fact, you may be being the best parent of all if you are protecting your child from harm.

My happy boy